


Try To Turn Your Head

by Recourse



Series: Shades of Shame [2]
Category: Life Is Strange (Video Game)
Genre: F/F, Infidelity, Internalized Homophobia, Internalized Misogyny, Postpartum Depression, compulsory heterosexuality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-20
Updated: 2018-01-20
Packaged: 2019-03-07 02:31:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13424844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Recourse/pseuds/Recourse
Summary: A year after their last encounter, Kate abruptly re-enters Victoria's life.





	Try To Turn Your Head

Of course it would be _now_ that Kate Marsh shows up in Victoria’s life.

It’s been a long, ugly year between Victoria sending her that friend request after their...encounter and now. Victoria’s sitting in her new apartment, most of her boxes still packed, when she gets the notification on her phone.

She puts her feet up on the couch, taking a sip of her celebratory I’m-out-of-that-hellhole wine. There’s still so much to do, but she’s been moving all day and frankly, she deserves this. She did the right thing. Right-ish. So what’s Kate been up to?

She thinks back to when she first sent that request. She’d come home, told him she was gay, and spent a week fighting with him, worse than any of their fights before. It had ground her down to nothing, and as she finally joined him in bed on the eighth day, drunk and exhausted, she’d turned on her side and looked blearily at Facebook and thought…

Thought what? That Kate, who’d thrown her out of bed weeping, would want to help her get revenge? That they could start some kind of affair? That there would be someone out there she could cling to, someone to share this burden with, and that someone would be the woman she just hurts over and over again?

It didn’t come to anything, in the end. The marriage limped on until it couldn’t any longer and Victoria found the spine she needed, alone. She’d almost completely forgotten she sent that request, until now.

She’s about to check out Kate’s profile when a Messenger notification pops up instead.

 _I’m in Seattle. When are you free?_ _  
_

Well, isn’t that presumptuous? But it’s not _wrong._ Victoria thinks it might be nice, to see her. Nobody else is exactly knocking down her door after this mess of a year.

**Victoria:**

_Now, if you want. Where do you want to meet?_

**Kate:**

_Your place, please._

Well, then.

Victoria’s not sure what to do, for a while, staring at the screen. Does she really want to...again? What the hell has _she_ been up to?

Perhaps the only answer is to talk to the damn woman in person.

She sends off her address, and hears nothing more, for a time. She finishes her wine, looks around at her apartment, and decides it’s clean _enough_ since she just moved in and can’t be assed to move the rest of the boxes into storage yet. You can walk through the place, at least. She’ll deal with it tomorrow.

She considers trying to read through Kate’s profile, but she’ll be getting the same information soon anyway, and she might as well have as much to talk about as she can get. She’s not sure if she wants what she thought she wanted a year ago. But it would be nice for her last memory of Kate to not be as horrible as that morning.

 _Be good for her,_ she tells herself, stretching across the couch and staring into the ceiling. _Don’t fuck up a third time._

She decides to order a pizza for the two of them, killing time on her phone by deleting old Facebook friends she’s decidedly _not_ interested in. Just as she’s sending the delivery guy on his way, Kate comes up behind him, looking nervous and flighty, arms twitching at her sides. Her skin is pale, dark circles around her eyes, stray strands of hair falling loosely across her face. She’s gained weight. When the pizza guy sees her, she practically freezes in place before Victoria waves at her.

“Hey, come in,” she says, not sure how else to convince her to calm down. Kate gives a brief nod and weaves around the pizza guy, closing the door behind her. She’s carrying a single heavy suitcase, which she gently places by the door before turning to Victoria.

“Hi.”

“Hi.” Victoria’s not sure what to do next. “Um, food’s here.”

“Yes, thank you. Could I make some tea?”

Victoria shrugs. “I don’t really keep it around…”

“I brought some.” Kate puts her purse on the counter and starts rooting around while Victoria sets down the pizza on the table. She turns and leans back against it, watching Kate draw out a pouch.

“Do you seriously bring tea everywhere you go?” Victoria asks, feeling something tugging at the edge of her mouth.

“Just a couple of good ones…” Kate murmurs, cheeks flushing. The smirk on Victoria’s face comes to fruition. “You have a kettle, right?”

“Uh, you can microwave a cup. I have mugs.” Victoria tries not to smile too much, but, man, she _is_ cute. She’d forgotten, really. Between the start of her senior year at Blackwell and now, she hadn’t had much chance to see Kate just...be, and she was always adorable. It used to make Victoria hate her, want to tear her down. God, how long it’s been since she was that person.

Kate busies herself, and Victoria watches. The air feels tense, heavy with unsaid words. It’s only when the mug of water is in the microwave that they make eye contact again. Victoria’s about to ask something, like _Why are you here?_ when Kate speaks up first.

“S-so, how have you been?”

Great. Let’s avoid the big elephant in the room a while longer, why not. Victoria sighs. “Finally managed to get the divorce through with my husband. Didn’t go super great for me, though.”

Kate looks around somewhat bashfully. “I did notice your apartment was...smaller than I was expecting.”

“Well, that’s what happens when your parents cut you off and most of the art world shuns you for going nuclear dyke on your shitty, well-connected husband,” Victoria says with a shrug.

“Oh.” Kate looks down. “S-so you really did it. Like you said.”

“Yeah. Took a lot longer than I wanted it to. Kept getting convinced to not cause problems, and then there was this long fuckin’ legal battle because of course he had to drag me to court over pre-nup shit. I knew I’d lose most of my friends, and I pretty much did.”

The microwave beeps, and Kate quickly retrieves her mug, steeping a teabag in it while looking over at Victoria, struggling for words. “I...hope it wasn’t too hard on you.”

“I mean, it was a big pain in the ass, but we really didn’t have _that_ much stuff together. We’re still young, you know. It’s not like I had a kid with him or anything.”

Kate covers her mouth and stifles a sob.

Oh, _shit._

“Kate?” Victoria asks softly.

Kate shakes her head. “I’m sorry,” she whispers, staring at the counter.

Oh, fuck it. Better to just come out with it. “Why are you here, Kate?”

Kate shudders. She takes her tea and walks past Victoria, unable to look her in the eye. She sits down at the kitchen table, eyes fogged, barely glancing at the pizza. Victoria slowly sinks down to join her, waiting, some small primal fear pounding in her chest.

“I don’t know,” Kate murmurs.

“Oh, bullshit,” Victoria snaps, tensing her fingers on the table. She sees Kate flinch, but, _really?_ She knows why she came here, she just doesn’t want to admit it, and Victoria doesn’t want to just be her enabler again.

Kate steadies her breathing. “I keep thinking about you,” she says, hands gripping her mug. “I don’t want to, but I do.”

“So—”

“It, it feels like, that was the last time I ever really felt good,” Kate stammers, shaking. “God, this whole year, I’ve...I’ve been _lying._ I c-can’t forget it, no matter how much I want to, and it feels like it’s poisoning everything.”

Victoria swallows. Great. Good to know she still haunts Kate Marsh. “What actually happened? After?” she asks, because she feels like Kate needs to tell someone, just like she did last time.

“I—I went home. I went to a counselor. We agreed that I should.”

“Oh, Jesus,” Victoria says, rubbing her brows. “Do you mean like an actual sex therapist or—”

“He was a pastor.”

“Of course he was.” Victoria can feel the anger growing within her. She’s not sure what she’s mad at, Kate or the people Kate’s surrounded by, who can’t see the real her, who’ve just let her become part of their awful machine.

“He—he told me everything I already knew. And I couldn’t. I couldn’t tell him what I did. What I am.” Kate’s shaking so badly. Something in Victoria wants to reach out, to steady her, but she holds back. They’re not lovers. They’re not even _friends._ Whatever they are, it’s something sick.

“I tried again. It was almost working before. I thought if I just...If I just pretended it didn’t happen…” Kate takes a sip of her tea. “But I couldn’t. I, I let him touch me again, I told him it was fine, but I thought about you to get through it.”

A chill of familiarity strikes Victoria. Despite everything, despite the morning after, the memory had carried her through bad nights, angry sex.

“When I got pregnant, it was almost a, a relief. I could just tell him it was hormones and he’d leave me alone.” Kate sniffs. “A-and then…”

Victoria can’t look away. She looks as bad as she did at Blackwell. Like she’s going to walk out of this apartment and be found nearly dead under a collapsed sprinkler bar again. Guilt settles in Victoria’s mind like a heavy fog, blurring her clarity, dropping her stomach.

“I thought it would fix me,” she whispers. “But when my son was in my arms I just felt...nothing.” And then she lets the sobs out of her, choking out, “I can’t feel anything anymore.”

Victoria’s breath is shallow and hard to come by. She’s seen this before, _she’s seen this before,_ she’s seen Kate like this, running through the halls of Blackwell, shouting at her teachers and her friends and anyone who tried to stop her. She knows what this is, how deep down Kate is, and she knows how it ends. And it’s her fault again, just like before, she did this.

“Why did you come here?” Victoria asks again, though her throat is heavy and wet.

“I started to hate them. Both of them. I wasn’t getting any sleep and, and it hurts when he nurses, and the only time I felt anything was when I thought about you.” Kate wipes her eyes, slumping down onto the table. “I told him I needed a break. He took a week off of work. He’s so _sweet_ , and…” Kate covers her face and lets out another sob. “I don’t know. I couldn’t think of anywhere else to go.”

Victoria does reach out, then. She puts her hand gently over Kate’s, hoping to ground her. She’s not sure what else to do. It’s not like she can just tell her to leave. Send her off on her own again and get the news that she did it right, this time. “Have you...I don’t know, have you talked to a doctor?”

“Who can fix this?” Kate challenges, looking up at her. “I’m a mother, and I don’t love my child. I’m doing everything I’m supposed to and I just feel so, so _empty._ ”

“Did you even tell him about this?” Victoria asks.

Kate shakes her head. “How can I? It’s not h-his fault, I’m just, I’m just broken.”

“Kate—”

“I dream about you, sometimes.” Kate swallows, glancing nervously up at Victoria’s face. “I dream we’re together. Living together. It’s never anything but that, just us, doing normal things, and it’s not a big deal, we’re just happy. I never want to wake up.”

“Jesus,” Victoria breathes.

“How do you do it?” Kate asks. “How are you strong enough to just...accept it, even when it destroys everything?” Her hand tenses under Victoria’s.

“Spite?” Victoria offers with a cold laugh. “It was almost easy. I finally had an excuse to get rid of all of it. I’d rather be working in the weird little gay circles I’m in now than be up there anymore.”

“I don’t want to lose it, though,” Kate says softly. “I’m so scared there’s just nothing else out there for me. This is who I’m supposed to be. If I can’t be that, then I’m nothing.”

“You’re not nothing, Kate,” Victoria tells her.

“I’m on maternity leave,” Kate mumbles. “I’m not even a teacher right now. If I’m not really a wife and a mother I might as well not exist.”

“There’s so many other things you can be.”

“I don’t know how.”

There’s silence between them for a time, their hands joined on the table. The pizza must be getting cold. Victoria sighs. “What do you need, Kate?”

Kate swallows, eyes hooded. “Take me to bed.”

“No.” Victoria _won’t._ Not again. She won’t be responsible for this. She doesn’t want to be what Kate dreams of, she doesn’t deserve to be there. She’s just a mistake. Kate deserves someone better. A loving woman, a life of her own, where her upbringing won’t suffocate her like this.

“ _Please,_ ” Kate begs, putting her other hand on top of Victoria’s. “Please, I just need to feel something, anything, I want—”

“I said no.” Victoria withdraws herself, folding her arms. “Do you have a place to stay?”

“N-no,” Kate admits. “I messaged you from the airport. I didn’t know what I was doing.”

Victoria tries to think. “Have you eaten yet?”

“No, I—” Kate hangs her head. “I’m sorry. This is so pathetic.”

“Don’t go, Kate, not yet,” Victoria insists. “What do you need? Right now?”

“I haven’t slept in two days.”

“No offense, Kate, but you look like it.” Victoria swallows. “Look. Eat something. You can sleep in my bed, and then we’ll have to figure something out. Okay?”

Kate nods. “Okay.” She looks so small and defeated. Victoria hates it. Hates everything that led to this moment. But she won’t just let Kate slip away, not when she can provide the basics of looking after her. Maybe tomorrow, if she’s calmed down, Victoria can convince her to see a therapist. A real one. It was the only thing that kept her sane during the divorce.

Victoria gets up, getting plates for the two of them, piling on two pieces for Kate. Kate looks too embarrassed to even look at her, but she does start nibbling, and Victoria takes a piece for herself before stepping out to her balcony. She doesn’t want to see Kate like that for too long.

She takes a long smoke break once she’s finished her food. When she comes back inside, she sees Kate watching the balcony door nervously, her food only half-finished, her tea mug empty. Kate stands as she enters.

“Would it be all right if I took a shower? I like to be clean before bed,” she asks as Victoria approaches her.

“Yeah. Just down that hall, on the right.”

“Thank you.” Kate looks like she wants to get closer to Victoria, but decides against it at the last second, brushing past her on her way, grabbing her suitcase.

While Kate showers, Victoria cleans up lunch, then sits down at the couch again and decides another glass of wine couldn’t hurt. And then maybe a second one after that. After she realizes she’s about to kill the bottle and her own head if she keeps thinking about Kate’s presence in the apartment, she goes to her room instead, lying on the bed and staring into the ceiling.

What does she do now?

She hears the shower shut off, and then Kate appears in the hall, clutching a white towel around herself. Her hair hangs wet around her shoulders, her skin so pale as to be practically glowing. Victoria gulps as Kate approaches, her eyes heavy and finally able to look into Victoria’s. Victoria sits up, heart pounding, not sure she wants what that look implies.

“Victoria,” Kate breathes, stopping at the edge of the bed.

Victoria tries to avert her eyes. “Kate—”

And Kate lets the towel fall, and Victoria looks. She can see what pregnancy and birth did to her, the stretch marks and sections of sagging skin, the extra weight, all the strain of carrying another human being laid out before her eyes. Her breasts are full, almost looking swollen, her body shows every mark of motherhood and something in Victoria feels _angry._ That Kate’s body should change like this for a man, someone she never really wanted, that she was put through all of this and it only made her more miserable instead of the way it ought to be. Kate deserves to love her child and not see her own repression in him, Kate deserves _better._ She always has.

Victoria’s thoughts are broken as Kate climbs onto the bed, straddling her legs, trapping Victoria beneath her. “Kate—” Victoria tries again, but Kate’s kissing her, and it feels _good,_ for a moment. There’s a part of her that wants this. She knows it’s there, can feel it wanting to overpower everything else in her, can feel it making her run her hands down Kate’s back. Kate is beautiful, and Victoria wants her, but not like this.

She finds the strength to push her back. “I—I said no,” she says, not wanting to see Kate break again.

“You kissed me back—”

“ _Kate._ Please. Stop.”

Kate chokes back a sob, but she does retreat, climbing off of the bed and running back to the bathroom. Victoria hates her body for betraying her, for the desire that’s ebbing away. She hears Kate crying in the bathroom, and goes outside for another cigarette.

When she comes back inside, the bathroom’s empty. Kate’s lying on top of the covers, in a short white nightgown now, curled up in the fetal position and facing the wall.

“Victoria?” she calls as she hears the balcony door close.

“Yeah?” Victoria asks, coming to the bedroom doorway, but lingering there even as Kate turns over.

“Can you just...hold me? Please?” Kate’s green eyes bore into her.

That, Victoria can do. Maybe Kate will really sleep if she does.

She nods, and kicks off her shoes, undressing in front of the dresser and throwing on sleep-shorts and an oversized tshirt. She doesn’t look back at Kate, though she can feel her gaze. Kate pulls back the covers, letting Victoria crawl in behind her.

And it’s nice. Holding her. A warm body against hers, soft and beautiful, smelling like fresh shampoo. Victoria’s had the same dreams as Kate, and maybe she can allow herself to indulge them, just for a little while, and it won’t hurt anyone.

 

* * *

 

It’s still dark when she awakens, though Victoria’s surprised to see how long they really had slept. It’s almost four A.M. according to the clock on her nightstand, and she’s on her back now, Kate’s head on her chest. She’s breathing so peacefully. Victoria combs her fingers through that long, blonde hair, sighing at the sensation. It’s an illusion, she knows, a fake snapshot of a life she could have one day. A girlfriend, a wife, a shared life. Intimacy that feels real, but isn’t earned.

Kate stirs, making a little groaning noise. Victoria should stop touching her, but she hardly wants to. Her eyes flutter open, and they look at one another, but say nothing. Kate shifts, moving up, hovering in front of Victoria’s face, waiting for something.

Here, in the early morning, nothing feels real, or important. Victoria closes her eyes, parts her mouth just a hair. Kate’s kiss is soft, sleepy, and warm. A question, almost. Victoria can’t deny she wants what Kate wants; it’s whether it’s a good idea to _do_ it.

Kate pulls back, breath on Victoria’s lips. Victoria looks at her, nerves in her stomach.

“I don’t—I don’t want to do anything you’ll regret,” Victoria says.

“Why?” Kate asks, looking confused. “You never seemed to—to care before…”

That hits Victoria in the chest. She’s not wrong. Between Blackwell and their last encounter, Victoria had gone into everything so selfishly. But… “I don’t want to wake up to you crying and hating me again. I don’t like seeing you like that. I…” As Victoria struggles for words, Kate falters, pulling away. “I’ve done that to you enough, Kate.”

Kate lays back down on her chest. “You care about me more than I do,” she says, her voice wavering.

“If we...wouldn’t you just feel even worse?”

“I don’t know how to be happy anyway.” Kate sniffs. “I already came here. God, he has to know I’m cheating. How much more suspicious can I be? What does it matter if I physically…”

“That’s not really a good reason to do it.”

“I know.” Kate lets out a sigh. “I won’t try to make you. I’m sorry.”

Victoria goes back to combing through her hair, and in time, the both of them fall into sleep once again.

 

* * *

 

Victoria wakes in the morning light to see Kate sitting on the edge of her bed, looking down at her feet. Victoria sits up, looking at Kate’s back.

“What do I do now?” she asks, after a moment of silence.

“Get a therapist. A real one. One who won’t tell your husband anything. Then tell them everything.”

Kate chuckles. “You always sound so sure of yourself. How do you do that?”

“I’m serious, Kate.” Victoria shifts and puts a hand on Kate’s shoulder, which Kate leans into gratefully.

“I know.” She lets out a long sigh. “How long can I stay?”

“How long were you planning to be gone?”

“I didn’t have a plan.”

Victoria pulls back, rubbing the back of her neck. “You should go home soon, Kate. I’m not good for you. I know I’m not.”

“I think you’re wrong,” Kate says softly. “But...all right. Can I make you breakfast?”

“Won’t say no to it,” Victoria says with a shrug.

Kate gets up, stretching out in front of Victoria’s eyes, and some part of her damns herself for suddenly growing a conscience. But the moment passes, and she excuses herself to the bathroom for a shower while Kate starts tearing her pantry apart looking for supplies.

Victoria takes her time. And she thinks, a lot, about Kate, and their first night together, and what she keeps denying herself.

She can be quiet, when she needs to be.

She wraps herself in a robe and steps out, finding a plate of pancakes prepared for her on the kitchen table, Kate sitting down with a mug of tea, dressed again with her hair put up.

“I have pancake stuff?” Victoria says, blinking at the food set out before her. Kate giggles.

“You have flour, sugar, baking powder, and eggs,” Kate points out. “What else are they for?”

“I can pretty much only bake,” Victoria says with a shrug. “I fuck up anything that I can’t time.”

“You can time pancakes.”

“You can?”

“Yeah. Three minutes on each side.”

“...that seems too simple to believe considering how many I burned when I was trying to be a good housewife.”

Kate laughs. “I can’t believe this. You, of all people, can’t cook.”

“I used to have _people_ to do it!”

Kate giggles again, looking at her fondly over her tea. “Eat,” she urges, and for a while no conversation is necessary, because holy shit Kate is good at this. Victoria could use a wife like this.

Stop thinking things like that. It can’t happen. Yesterday, last night, this morning. Lies.

When she’s finished, Kate stands up. She grabs her suitcase from the bathroom, then heads to the door, lingering there while Victoria eats her last few bites. She stands up, to say goodbye, maybe.

“Thank you,” Kate whispers as she approaches, taking both of Victoria’s hands in her own. “For letting me have this.”

“What do you mean?”

“...I want this life,” Kate murmurs, looking down. “I know I shouldn’t, but I do. Thank you for showing me what it could be like.” She looks up again. “If I...if I left him, would you ever want to…?”

“If?” Victoria asks. “Not when.”

Kate swallows. “I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“Kate…” Victoria sighs. “I won’t wait for you.”

Kate’s face falls, but Victoria has to press on. “I’m not anyone’s savior. I can’t be your backup plan. I need to live my own life. If you live your own, and it can work with mine, then...maybe. But I’m free. I’m going to stay free. You should be free too.”

Kate tears away, choking back a sob as she picks up her suitcase. “I have a son,” she says. “I’m never going to be free again. I already wasted my chance.”

“Kate—”

But she’s tearing open the door and leaving. Victoria won’t chase after her.

She’s done enough.

 


End file.
